Little lymericks for gifts

Want to write a cute little poem to give with a gift to a girlfriend? I have two - one for friends with a sense of humor and one for friends you aren't sure if they do. :) Let me preface this by saying that my husband has long been suspicious of women's motivations for giving sugary fattening gifts to their friends.  Sub-conscious (or conscious!) sabotage? I think the idea is wrong, but funny, so I wrote this one for a couple of my close friends I knew wouldn't be offended:

To thank you for being so sweet,
I decided to bake you this treat.
I'm glad that our friendship will last.
Now, EAT! So you'll get a big...

It's so much classier if you don't actually write the word :) And if you didn't make it, you could just say "bought you this treat" instead!

If you aren't sure how they'll handle that, you could just put:

I always love to see you smile!
You're one of a few with no guile.
To thank you for being so sweet,
I decided to bake you this treat!

Can you tell I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel just so I can have something to post on this little neglected blog of mine? :)

"Breaking Dawn" parodied script

I'll admit it, I am a bit of a "Twilight" fan. No, they're not great literature, and yes it is a guilty pleasure, but I still like them.
Eric D Snider writes some of the funniest stuff on his "Snide Remarks" columns, but I always look forward to the "rejected" Twilight scripts. This last one is fantastic! Click here to read it.
Some of my favorite parts:

"BELLA: So your big dark secret is that you, a vampire, have a history of drinking people's blood?"


"JACOB: Bella, he'll kill you! He'll kill you with sex!"


"BELLA: ... I'm pregnant.
EDWARD: What?! That's impossible for several reasons! One, vampires are infertile. Two, it's only been a couple weeks. Three, you can't get pregnant on an island.
BELLA: But it's -- wait, what?
EDWARD: Sorry, the last time I took a high school health class was in 1932. Some of my information might be outdated. "


"JACOB: Listen, Cedric Diggory. I love her more than you do. At least I didn't beat her up with sex and put a devil baby in her!
EDWARD: Whatever, Sharkboy! You're just jealous that you CAN'T do those things because you're all smooth and plastic down there, like a Ken doll."

Der...

I have many moments where later I think, "Der! That was stupid." But, they are usually only a couple hours delay between the incident and the realization. This example brought to you by the letter "x" took a good 8 years.

I'm not going to announce my email address, but it is through xmission.com. Haven't heard of that? I'm sure you haven't, it's been my parent's isp for the last decade and I have kept it after moving out because, well because I'm lazy. So, here's my "Der" moment:

Realizing, for the first time, when giving my email address of dancer...@xmission.com to a cute clerk at a store that it kind of seems like a stripper email.... Oops.

You SERIOUSLY have to check out this website...

Or, maybe you've heard of it before? I'm always behind on this stuff. It's called "DearBlank, pleaseblank." It's funny, fictional short letters that anyone can post. Check it out here!

Here are some funny ones that I saw just looking at it for 5 minutes:

Dear neighbor,

You have curtains, use them.

Sincerely, didn't need to see that.

Dear male teacher who gives detention for spending more than three minutes in the bathroom,

Have you ever timed yourself putting in a tampon and changing a pad?

Sincerely, I didn't think so.

 

Dear teachers,

I wouldn't mind if you took points off of my paper, so long as you wrote in the margin, "TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

Sincerely, that's how they do it at Hogwarts...

 

Dear teachers,

I wouldn't mind if you took points off of my paper, so long as you wrote in the margin, "TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

Sincerely, that's how they do it at Hogwarts...

 

Dear crush,

Please get on Facebook more often. It's hard to creep on someone that doesn't update...

Sincerely, anonymous.

 

Dear U.S. Government,

I don't care whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, I just want you to stop getting paid for fighting each other.

Sincerely, shut up and compromise.

 

Go check it out!

A link to "Snide Remarks:Positive Buzz"

The video of Buzz Aldrin (at 72!) socking a harrassing pest alone is worth clicking on the link below. But, click now and you'll also receive a hilarious perspective on what anyone who's ever walked on the moon should be able to get away with.

http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/positive-buzz/

A link to "Snide Remarks: Mysterious Kin"

I can't remember how I heard about this blog, but Eric Snider is hilarious! He also happens to be an acceptably accurate movie reviewer (meaning his opinions of movies match mine maybe 60% of the time).
Some favorite quotes from the article:

If it's a girl, you have to paint everything pink and buy clothes with flowers and lace, and start saving up a dowry so that she will attract high-quality suitors.

This isn't a hermaphrodite/Middlesex/Jamie Lee Curtis situation.

The parents are tired of society putting all these DEMANDS on them, always INSISTING that a person's gender is determined by something as random and arbitrary as whether he or she has a ding-dong or a hoo-ha.

Then we'll discuss the infant's social circle and political views, maybe talk about what movies it's seen lately, who it follows on Twitter, and so forth. Then, eventually, maybe I'll get around to asking whether it's a boy or a girl. But that's pretty far down the list.

Grrrr....the powers that be in blogland apparently don't want me to put any links in - at least that's what I assume since it isn't working. Okay, a pain, but just copy and past this into your web browser:
http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/mysterious-kin/

Rowan Atkinson fest

I've been watching "Black Adder" episodes while I work lately. And the first little season, Atkinson plays his normal bumbling idiot (I say "normal", but he is exceptionally talented at it, if you've ever seen an episode of "Bean" you'll know what I mean). But in Black Adder II he is surprisingly suave and dare I say, sexy.


Now, be forwarned if by some chance you are thinking of going out and renting these gems, there are a few instances of witty humor (moreso in Black Adder II), but the majority of the show is filled with infantile "male" humor and bathroom humor. Which, of course, I don't find funny in the least degree (she deadpans).
While this is all interesting, it brings me to my point of posting about this (Atkinson, that is) which is to say: his stand up comedy/ sketches. I had no idea about all this unfortunately, but was delighted when a few family members started sending me stuff.
The first is a sketch where Atkinson is the Devil, but you can call him Toby. Why doesn't anyone do comedy like this anymore?



Here's one where he has to accept an acting award for an acter that he was up against:



Rowan Atkinson and John Cleese and beekeeping. To quote one of the comments on this vid: "I liked this video before I'd even seen it." It's so dumb, but I find myself laughing anyway.:



Alright and one Black Adder II clip. Content advisory: much immature bawdiness ensues here.

11 lessons any parents should read before considering having children

My sister-in-law forwarded this to me. It was written by a friend of hers. I laughed so hard I almost had tears in my eyes. Accurate indeed!

11 lessons any parents should read before considering having children

Lesson 1.

1.Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Awesome spoof/dance off Harry Potter vs. Twilight

The actress "portraying" Kristen Stewart is beyond perfection! Loved this!

"Teenage Dream"

My brother-in-law sent this to my hubby and I just had to share. This kid is hilariously lip-synching to Kate Perry's song (which, I have to admit I had never heard before, but then again, I'm not really a Kate Perry fan)

Hilarious

Guys will of course think this funny... but ladies, if you don't have a sense of humor, don't click. Otherwise, enjoy :)

Funny

Even if it isn't true, it's still funny :) Thanks again to cousin Marilyn, you always send the best jokes.

A LITTLE KNOWN BASEBALL FACT:
The first testicular guard (Cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.
It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Thanks to Marilyn for the joke!

TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free.. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

One of those dumb-funny jokes

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy
on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her
killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her
last breath & slumped to the floor.......

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately
called the police Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave
the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...








(You're going to hate me for this ... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

Oh, quit groaning, I didn't write it.

"Advice to Husbands"

My cousin sent this to me in an e-mail. I'm not sure of the original author (if you know, let me know). I thought it was hilarious though and worth sharing:

Dear friends,

It's important for us men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you begin to notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my wife, Amy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Amy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets homefrom work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not a practicable alternative. Besides, I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can, by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that 'they won't clean themselves.' I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging, I think, is complaining. For example, she'll say that it's difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys... we take'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my stronger points. And when doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. For instance, she had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me.

I know, I know..... I probably look like a saint by the way I support Amy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible and nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However guys, even if you just start using a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife due to this article, I'll consider that by writing it, it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Good luck.

Signed, Bill


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Bill died suddenly on April 15 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip left showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.

His wife Amy was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty.

They accepted her defense that Bill, somehow, without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.